195 Hilarious and Inspirational Facebook Status Updates

I won't bore you with a story, I'll just give you a list of funny and sarcastic lines. For the ones that I did not develop on my own, I have included the source if I recall its origin. I broke these up into 20-line sections for ease of reading. Enjoy!!

1. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them
2. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
3. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
4. You can't be late until you show up
5. War doesn't determine who's right, it determines who's left.
6. If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
7. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
8. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
9. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
10. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
11. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
12. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
13. Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
14. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban
15. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa
16. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
17. Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut.
18. I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.
19. Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, "you can't fire me, I Quit!"
20. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

1. I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
2. If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
3. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
4. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
5. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
6. I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumors to spread and people to argue with.
7. I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up
8. I once stood in the back and said "Everyone Attack!" but it didn't turn into a Ballroom Blitz
9. Learn from Pandora's mistake - think outside of the box
10. Don't look now, but I'm hiding under your bed.
11. Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather
12. Freedom means the right to yell "THEATRE" in a crowded fire
13. I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table
14. If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
15. To err is human. To arr is pirate
16. I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine"
17. Finding a job in this economy is like playing "Where's Waldo?"... except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
18. Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold by reaching for the remote.
19. Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
20. Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.

1. I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes...
2. I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
3. Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"
4. I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.
5. TEIAM - problem solved
6. I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...
7. I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Waldo' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
8. It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.
9. I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
10. Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
11. People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid)
12. The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.
13. If your relationship status says, "It's complicated" maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
14. I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
15. How long do you think it would take to solve a rubiks cube if you were color blind?
16. I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
17. I decided to cancel my Twitter account.I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm pretty sure people are following me.
18. "Dammit Im Mad" is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.
19. Who decided that paper beats rock? Let's test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
20. Grammar is important. For instance, commas save lives, such as in this example: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa"

1. ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” ~ Julius Caesar
2. My cell phone is so outdated that it has a rotary dial
3. There are more than two kinds of people in this world. Don't believe the bumper stickers.
4. Don't make me have to wound your inner child
5. I hate when mimes get in your face and don't say anything. ~ Butthead
6. The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
7. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ..."I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
8. Serenity Now = Insanity Later
9. I saw a provocative movie the other day called "The Net" starring that girl from the bus. ~ Mr Costanza, The Seinfeld Show
10. Fell off the jet way again ~ Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber
11. If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Ireland. And Japan. And Peru. And I'd want to see the Grand Canyon. And the other two oceans. It would be a pretty busy week.
12. If Sgt Extreme and Major Awesome had visited my high school, I probably would have joined the US Army, too
13. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. ~ Tommy Boy
14. These things happen, ya know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news. ~ Peter Griffin, Family Guy
15. Dr. Shakalu brought some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer. ~ Grandma's Boy
16. Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
17. Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.
18. I stopped to smell the roses once. A bee flew out of the flower and up my nose, stung me in the nasal vestibule causing a severe allergic reaction and six days of swollen septum. Now, whenever I see roses, I keep walking.
19. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy but then the murderer comes back, starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.
20. I once reported my roommate to INS. Turns out she's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

1. When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times. ~ Michael Scott, The Office
2. If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing? ~ The Office
3. I've never had champagne that tastes like cherry cola, but I know someone who wants to live like the ape man.
4. Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make. ~ The Office
5. Security in this office is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? ~ The Office
6. I didn't say "Abe Lincoln", I said, "Hey, Blinken!" ~ Robin Hood Men In Tights
7. I'm gonna grab one of those bulls over there and ride into town like a conquistador to challenge Hatcher to a duel, show him who the real tooth fairy is.
8. I just want everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I want to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, the creator of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan. (much more effective if you are a facebook fan of "Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly")
9. I was God once. It was going really well until everyone died.
10. Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool. ~ Bender, Futurama
11. Leela cracked corn, and I dont care. Fry cracked corn, I still dont care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that you stupid corn! ~ Bender, Futurama
12. Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
13. It's been 243 days since my last attempt to take over the world. I've been distracted by my current mission: to leave everyone uninformed and clueless.
14. I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool
15. I don't want a large Farva! I want a goddamn liter-a-cola!! ~ Officer Farva, Super Troopers
16. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
17. The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Could you imagine if I went into work, did half of the job, then said, "Come back next week for the continuation!"
18. How did you fit a lion in your pocket? No wonder it's ready to roar.
19. First the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came and they all bought Benzes...
20. Who is Pete and why is it for his sake?

1. If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer. ~ Ace Ventura
2. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs! ~ Dr Oz, The Whole Nine Yards
3. If my employer were more democratic than communist, they might allow us to vote on making Wednesday part of the "mid-week weekend" incentive program that I just made up. I vote "aye"
4. Save me, Jebus!!! ~ Homer Simpson
5. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone... but sometimes when you get it back, it's horribly deformed and covered in an unusually smelly gelatized mass that you can't identify
6. I'd pay a dollar and a half to see a tree museum.
7. The Great State of Vermont will not apologize for its' cheese. ~ Thank You For Smoking
8. My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning
9. I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy and I do what I want
10. Whenever I'm on fire I remember to stop, drop and roll, not run around screaming my head off. ~ Dead Man on Campus
11. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. ~ Hansel, Zoolander
12. Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you -- one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. ~ Christopher Walkin as Bruce Dickinson, SNL Skit
13. I got a fever, and the only prescription... is more cowbell ~ Christopher Walkin as Bruce Dickinson, SNL Skit
14. Do sealions eat seazebras? ~ Pinky, Pinky and the Brain
15. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.
16. The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
17. If the game doesn't freeze every 6 minutes, then you're not watching FOX
18. I had part of a slinky once. I straightened it.
19. If you cooked any slower you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
20. I am NOT crazy! At least, no more than any normal person should be...

1. Who likes fruitcake? I mean, really, giving you a fruitcake for a present is just another way of saying, "I dislike you so much that I'm going to give you 2000 calories of jellied fruit and nut compacted into a brick and wrapped in plastic"
2. A person may be inherently wise or experienced, but that means little or nothing if he/she is perceived as a fool. I, on the other hand, am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. ~ Combination of The Princess Bride and "Building Pathology, An Introduction"
3. (Name) is trying not to think about penguins
4. Good things are coming soon. Stay tuned for more information after a few words from our sponsors.
5. (Name) wants to go someplace warm where the beer flows like wine
6. Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium.
7. You're so vain, you probably think this status is about you.
8. I wish I was as smart as I think I am.
9. The next time somebody texts me with "k", I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k"
10. Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.
11. (Name)thinks the xylophone is totally underrated
12. Where is the chase and how do I cut to it? ~ Chris Griffin, Family Guy
13. If Santa were to name his balls, would he call one "Milk" and the other "Cookies"?
14. If winning doesn't matter, then why keep score?
15. It's amazing how something as simple as yelling and throwing things, although it doesn't solve your problems or help you find a solution, it still makes you feel better! Now I need something to throw and somewhere to yell
16. (Name) is not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe
17. (Name) needs to master the art of patience... quickly...
18. If a person who drinks too much is an alcoholic, then is someone who never drinks called a non-alcoholic?
19. If you think you have nothing to be thankful for today, consider this; At least you're not a turkey. Happy Holidays, folks. Enjoy your time today. (Only effective on Thanksgiving Day)
20. I lost my accountabilibuddy

1. You don't want to question me. I've forgotten more in the past week than you've learned your whole life.
2. If I become a fan of myself, does that mean that every time I update my wall it will send an update to my wall?
3. A Penn State student trying to raise money for cancer came up to my car asking for money. I told her that I don't support cancer or Penn State.
4. You've worked hard all week. You deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, sweat on the bathroom floor and wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath and nauseous. Have a good time, because you deserve this.
5. Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend" I said, "Yes, I do, but don't tell my husband."
6. Somewhere in America, someone you don't like is praying for you. ~ Rachel Maddow
7. Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.
8. (Name) is searching for zen. So far, it's not at Subway or Wawa...
9. You are on the phone, someone 'asks', "Hold please." No, no question- they just say it and put you on hold. Can you scream "NO!" into the phone before they put you on hold? Will they hear it before you get put on hold? Will they think you're crazy? Will they still put you on hold? Will they hang up on you? Will they help you sooner? You have now been on hold 24 minutes......
   Discuss.

1. If you're so caught up in avoiding lightning, you may not ever enjoy a single thunderstorm

2. One of the great regrets in my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all for the sake of a paycheck.

3. So many gods, so many creeds, So many paths that wind and wind, while just the art of being kind is all the sad world needs.

4. If crying doesn't make the sad things better, then why do we do it?

5. Go away, bad mood. I didn't invite you into my world today.

6. Look outside of yourself and you will appreciate others accomplishments, failures, hardships and journeys

7. I was not part of the problem, but will be part of the solution.

8. If you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they're supposed to be there

9. Sometimes things happen in life that are not part of the plan. When that happens, don't give up on your dreams, just find another way to reach them.

10. No artist could ever compare to the mastery of Mother Nature

11. Small repairs in a broken wall help to build a stronger barrier against the sea of negativity that surrounds us.

12. Everything Irie

13. Dear Life, You have some explaining to do...

14. If you remind yourself of the great things in life, the tough times don't seem so devastating.

15. Looks can fade as quickly as the clouds pass through the sky. It's the moments that touch your heart and heal your soul that last forever, along with the people who bring them to you.

16. Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveable. You will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.

17. All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine ~ Socrates

18. A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men

19. All noble things are as difficult as they are rare

20. Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

21. Every passing moment is another chance to turn it around

22. Today is going to be most difficult and challenging. Today I will face my fears and stand up for what I believe is right. Today my noble and selfless acts will be accused of cruel and greedy intentions. No matter what the outcome, I will be stronger, my family will be closer, and I will finally have the closure that I have been seeking for so many years.

23. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

24. Try this for a day; Instead of saying, "I hate", say "I dislike".

25. A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee

26. A person may be inherently wise or experienced, but that means little or nothing if he/she is perceived as a fool.

27. Kudos to those who have the abilities to do what I cannot do.

28. My dreams are bigger than my wallet, but I'll find a way

29. Realize your potential

30. Don't overreact and don't give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

31. The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you. You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.

32. Beneath the criticism is an underlying message. Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. Compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. That's what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Don't take the bait.

33. Staying connected is more important than making your point

34. Saying nothing when you really want to say something only pushes those differences, disagreements, and conflicts under a simmering surface. Just be careful about how you air your feelings when you decide to open up during a conflict.

35. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere, but will only give you restlessness.

36. I can't pinpoint the moment when we started working toward uncommon goals, but I'm fairly certain that it corresponds with the moment when we stopped being productive.

37. Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

38. I cannot change the seasons or the wind (at least, not yet), but I can change myself

39. Although I have loved and lost, it does not make this tragic time any less devastating. All that I can do is remember the life and love that was given, and give thanks for the wonderful people brought together at such an enormous expense.

40. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

41. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

42. As devastating as things may seem, there is always that glimmer of hope to guide you through the storm.